I grew up very, very Reform, without Shabbat, a Bat Mitzvah, Hebrew, and with only very basic holidays. And no real God. I spent years wondering what this was all about and what was God anyway? In ninth grade, our temple was part of the Haverot Noar program, six weekends of camp throughout the year, and weekly, rather intense, religious school. For me this was a turning point. It cemented my faith that only grew when I went to Israel for 6 weeks in high school. My Jewish identity was now solid. But the question of God was still murky. I even went to church with my friends just to hear them talking about God. What eventually happened is that I began to talk to people in various 12 Step programs about their Higher Power. Did God really care about me? Didn't He have better things to do than listen to my prayers, my problems?
What I've learned over the years is that my God does listen. And I get to talk to Him regularly. Now I have my Jewish faith and identity and beliefs. Not only on holidays but every day. And I feel solid in it, confident that I have a God, a Jewish history and a Jewish future.
One time I feel most spiritual is when we study Torah on Saturdays with Rabbi Julia, and those wonderful interns who came before her. I've so loved those sessions. They feed me with our people-hood, stories, quirks and questions. I want to do more reading of our Books and do the study that I love, even on my own. I want to know more. I also love to hear Rabbi's stories and to know how others apply our Judaism in their lives. I believe that Torah is the key, that it has formed who we are as Jews, where we came from and gives us guidelines for living. Certainly not all of the laws are applicable to my life, but understanding them enriches it.
I love doing Shabbat dinner with my family, or with friends, as well as holidays. I always want to increase my Jewish observance, each year reaching deeper for more understanding, practice and joy. Torah is where that all comes from. I felt incredibly blessed at my son's Bar Mitzvah's holding the Torah, and each time I get to take a blessing from it. I wish I could read it too, one day I will. I hold it as sacred, and feel that without Torah, we wouldn't be Jews. And that would be a catastrophe for us and for the world. I'm always amazed that non-Jews have such a regard for the Bible, and study it, know it through and through, and yet, I don't. I don't think it was emphasized enough in my youth, and that I am poorer for it. Part of what I think we need is the struggle to understand it, and to continue to disagree with it, to study it, to debate about it.
What holds us together as Jews if not Torah? Passover observance? Jewish life-cycle events? Not a belief in God as many Jews don't believe. Torah is our literature, our history, our system of beliefs, our holidays, our reason for being Jews. Jews have died for Torah and I think that we need to maintain it at all costs as a value in our lives. It is who we are.
2 comments:
Welcome Holly to the discussion about spirituality. You tell a story we have heard many times before, about people who grew up without a meaningful spiritual/religious life, even as they grew up as Jews.
It is so profoundly poignant to hear stories, such as yours, of people making their way back to Judaism. I am doubly touched that Or Ami has been a part of your return.
I too speak to God, who I believe cares about you, me and the rest. I love that God is near, cares and listens.
Very heartfelt words. Thanks for sharing your journey so far!
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