Grieving Sucks

Thursday morning we suddenly lost our beloved father & grandfather, Danny Gould. If one believed in karma or that sort of thing, Danny would have gone instantly at his desk, playing piano and regaling his friends. He worked, lived and loved perfectly. All who knew him thought him perfect. Yet, despite always doing the right thing, the past year has been horrible for him. After 38 years with Warner Brothers, he lost his job last summer (at age 88, but still!). He's been watching his beloved wife of 59 years turn into someone almost unrecognizable due to Alzheimer's Disease. He's suffered from two strokes (both of which he made just about complete recoveries from). And last week, he suffered a catastrophic brainstem stroke which rendered him unable to swallow.

A nasogastric tube was inserted up his nose and a suction device placed at his bedside so he could try to manage his secretions. It was awful to see this man who loved eating and talking (we called him "The Speecher") unable to eat and barely able to talk. He was clearly uncomfortable, yet, we knew he was fighting hard to make a recovery. The doctors, social workers and his case manager were grim. His outlook for recovery was grim. His future, if he should survive, looked sure to include gastric tubes, a tracheotomy and chronic battles with pneumonia. How could such a loved, talented and rightous man be dealt such horrible cards? Why would he be destined to be today's Biblical version of Job?

While I certainly feel a sense of communtiy and support from my friends and synagogue family, I'm struggling to find spirituality in this whole thing. I wish I could believe that it was part of g-d's plan to end his struggle without additional suffering, but the logical part of me thinks that his death was just a logical consequence of food being aspirated into his lungs when he tried to eat for the last time. I know the whole thing about man not being able to know or comprehend G-d's purpose or plan, but still. Hard to feel spiritual when grieving sucks so much.