I've been seeking Jewish spirituality for years now, but I don't feel spiritual. Although many of my friends think I'm the most Jewish person they know, I know my inner self and it isn't nearly as spiritual as I'd like. I've actively sought it in classes I've taken and classes I've given. I've gone to weekend Institute for Jewish Spirituality seminars. I've led a couple of Shabbat services. I've read the Torah about 5 times. I can argue effectively about the existence of G-d and about my purpose on this earth. I do, very rarely, look at a crowd of people (as I did in a Costco last week) and try to see the devine and the face of G-d in each of them.
However, I don't keep Shabbat. I don't look forward to the Jewish holidays. I take the name of the lord in vain when I miss a 3 foot putt (and other times). I don't keep kosher. Most days I forget that I'm Jewish. Most days there is no spark and no light in my life.
What do I need to do to get spiritual?
Why is it so hard?
Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I like the idea from Heisenberg, who says that when we look too closely at something, we can't see it because we, ourselves, interfere with seeing it. I also remember a talk that R. Mordechai Finley recently gave where he said that people should stop seeking happiness. He said that serving others and doing good deeds is the only way to real happiness. I'm also reminded of the words of the great New World Jewish scholar Rapki (R. Paul Kipnes). I was taking a "Jewish Spirituality" class with him about 15 years ago. I told him I was having a hard time believing in G-d. He told me not to worry. He said to just try to live and act "as if there was a G-d" and to see what happens.
OK. Good. I'll relax a bit. Let's see what happens.
I'm still waiting.
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4 comments:
I really appreciate you sharing your struggle and your process of trying to understand it.
You may be onto something when you say you might be trying too hard or worrying too much about it. It sounds like you put so much energy into "trying" to feel spiritual that you might not recognize when it already happens.
I agree Andy & Sheryl. You can't force it, or in my opinion, even look for it. You just have to find an environment that makes you feel "complete" and seek out that setting. And then, hope to get there, either by luck, meditation, prayer or ???
See, and I don't think that there is any one environment that makes me feel complete. If there was, I would pitch a tent and never leave!
The problem remains that no matter where I go, there I am!
I have found that the closest I get to feeling complete is when I take regular actions that strengthen my connection with God. It's like a muscle and the harder I work it, the stronger it is.
The trick is remembering that, and not letting it atrophy.
Andy, welcome to the conversation about Spirituality. I have a few colleagues who argue that spirituality is bunk, and that learning and intellectual pursuits should be the focus of who and what we are. Perhaps that is where you are too!?!
Some think spirituality is the warm-fuzzy God-winks. For others it is the satisfaction of a life lived ethically and with wholeness. Still others - reflecting upon the rabbinic notion that if you aren't sure what it means to v'ahavta et Adonai elohecha-that you should love the Eternal your God, then you should just live as if there were a God - suggest that feeling it is less important than living (as if) it (God) were real and there.
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