Torah...more than a handful

Ok, so there's 613 mitzvot (commandments) in the Torah, so I thought I'd start there as I began the thought process on what Torah means to me. WHOA... I am much farther off base than I thought! While I've pretty much nailed down honoring my folks, I've never had relations with a relative or an animal (ewwww), and I almost never take revenge on someone (unless they really deserve it), pondering the remaining 610 made me nauseous; I am for sure going to hell.

But the written laws of the Torah are not what connect me to Judaism and spirituality. The connection for me is that Jews all over the world are bound by this book. It is the historical stories in the Torah and how they relate to my life, right here, right now. It is the songs that were derived from those stories that make me feel spiritual. Sure, I feel a little spiritual when I am living righteously, but the laws that govern my life are those that have been passed down from my parents and grandparents, my friends, classes I have attended, teachers I admired, and by society itself.

My Take on the Torah Being Spiritual

A powerful moment in my spiritual existence is when I get to hold or see the Torah. That fact that it brings a community together is my major take on its spiritual existence. Whether or not it is the actual word of G-d is moot to me, since its power to me is to see a congregation get excited as it passes around the room and solidifies the common bond we all have in our religion and community. A side note is the time we were allowed to take the Torah home with us to keep it safe during the high holidays a few years ago. I felt our house was truly safe those nights it was here, and how reverent I felt having such a text so close by.

Also, learning Torah is another interesting opportunity to see it be used as a tool for us to guide us on our spiritual journeys. It is boggling how may interpretations one verse can have and that we are allowed to challenge what is actually being said and be allowed multiple interpretations.

To continue my thought about how much I care if the Torah is actually the word of G-d. I don't get wrapped up in proving its divine creation, but I do think about powerful it would be if it truly is a sacred text crafted by a power beyond our imaginations and then handed down from generation to generation. I am also struck by how it provides some basic rules of order for us humans to get along and if all humans could follow its basic tenants, the world will be a much better place! Finally, it is interesting to me that all the modern Western religions trace their roots back to Abraham, Moses and all the other characters in the Torah and these basic rules of order carry through in these other religions as well. Obviously, someone wrote down some good ideas about how to live a good life that continue to resonate today, whether Jewish, Christian, Mormon, etc.

Touching Torah

My grandma Sara taught me by example how to be a "good" person. She also, through her genetic (arthritic) legacy, gave me a crooked finger. I love my crooked finger as it always reminds me of her. In fact, when my daughter, Joanna, was born, one of the first things I noticed was that she inherited a crooked finger too! Seeing, holding and touching torah remind me that I am part of a chain of people who have passed down more to me than just my genes. When I am near a torah, I think of my grandparents, and their parents, and their parents' parents and how each previous generation risked persecution and death in order to pass down the teachings of our people. In this way, the presence of torah makes me feel like a part of a bigger picture. Like I am connected, or standing on the shoulders, of the ones who came before me.

This year, before starting Jewish Education classes at Melton, I actually read through just about the entire Tanach. It was fascinating as I was able to do it without any outside commentary or input. I could take the words as they were written (or at least interpreted by JPS) and make my own conclusion about what message the writer(s) meant to convey. My impression of the torah was harsh! It was filled with pervasive repressive, hateful, divisive, violent and vengeful stories. This has certainly impacted me (in ways I am sure future blogs will address) but the current result is that I do not find much to feel spiritual about when I think of the torah as a "contract" for the Jewish people. Hopefully as my studies continue, I will find the inspiration in its messages. So I guess the bottom line for me (at this moment in time, anyway) is that most of the torah's content doesn't feel very spiritual to me, but it's presence feels like an integral part of me . Kinda like my crooked finger.

Spirituality and Torah

I was still thinking about my own spirituality when Rabbi posed this question about Torah. For me there is a linkage between the two and I'll try to explain.

I grew up very, very Reform, without Shabbat, a Bat Mitzvah, Hebrew, and with only very basic holidays. And no real God. I spent years wondering what this was all about and what was God anyway? In ninth grade, our temple was part of the Haverot Noar program, six weekends of camp throughout the year, and weekly, rather intense, religious school. For me this was a turning point. It cemented my faith that only grew when I went to Israel for 6 weeks in high school. My Jewish identity was now solid. But the question of God was still murky. I even went to church with my friends just to hear them talking about God. What eventually happened is that I began to talk to people in various 12 Step programs about their Higher Power. Did God really care about me? Didn't He have better things to do than listen to my prayers, my problems?

What I've learned over the years is that my God does listen. And I get to talk to Him regularly. Now I have my Jewish faith and identity and beliefs. Not only on holidays but every day. And I feel solid in it, confident that I have a God, a Jewish history and a Jewish future.

One time I feel most spiritual is when we study Torah on Saturdays with Rabbi Julia, and those wonderful interns who came before her. I've so loved those sessions. They feed me with our people-hood, stories, quirks and questions. I want to do more reading of our Books and do the study that I love, even on my own. I want to know more. I also love to hear Rabbi's stories and to know how others apply our Judaism in their lives. I believe that Torah is the key, that it has formed who we are as Jews, where we came from and gives us guidelines for living. Certainly not all of the laws are applicable to my life, but understanding them enriches it.

I love doing Shabbat dinner with my family, or with friends, as well as holidays. I always want to increase my Jewish observance, each year reaching deeper for more understanding, practice and joy. Torah is where that all comes from. I felt incredibly blessed at my son's Bar Mitzvah's holding the Torah, and each time I get to take a blessing from it. I wish I could read it too, one day I will. I hold it as sacred, and feel that without Torah, we wouldn't be Jews. And that would be a catastrophe for us and for the world. I'm always amazed that non-Jews have such a regard for the Bible, and study it, know it through and through, and yet, I don't. I don't think it was emphasized enough in my youth, and that I am poorer for it. Part of what I think we need is the struggle to understand it, and to continue to disagree with it, to study it, to debate about it.

What holds us together as Jews if not Torah? Passover observance? Jewish life-cycle events? Not a belief in God as many Jews don't believe. Torah is our literature, our history, our system of beliefs, our holidays, our reason for being Jews. Jews have died for Torah and I think that we need to maintain it at all costs as a value in our lives. It is who we are.

Is Torah Spiritual?

To me, Torah presents the morals and ethics of our people. Do I find spititual connections in Torah? I do. The feeling of spirtuality for me is in the connection to what has come before me. The people, places and struggles inscribed in the Torah are a behavioral and ethical road map for me. I seem to face many of the same human struggles that are written in the five books. The emotions, behaviors and actions of the past has a profound effect on me today. I do find spirtual connection in the stories and lessons of the Torah.

Last Night, Standing there at Sinai, I Received Torah Again

What is Torah to me? How does it touch me spiritually?  

Last night, I stood there at Mt. Sinai, as the shofar sounded, the lights twinkled brightly, my heart shook, and we again received Torah from the Holy One.  Time morphed as simultaneously I found myself in our sanctuary in 2010 and at the foot of the holy mountain 3000+ years before. I stood with our congregation at the same time as I stood with our post-Exodus people.  That's what it means, I think, to be Jewish. So simultaneously in the present and in the past, all the while looking forward to the future. That's what happens to me on Shavuot, our holy day of matan Torah, receiving the Torah again and again. 

In the Rosh Hashana morning service (in our Sha'arei Am machzor), I love the poem that articulates the mystery of Torah as the juxtaposition of a mundane human creation and eternality:

Two wooden sticks, the skin of a kosher animal and some chemicals mixed together. That’s all it takes to make a Torah.
That and four thousand years of wandering, searching, learning, following, leading, loving, and blessing.

Two wooden sticks, the skin of a kosher animal and some chemicals mixed together. That’s all it takes to make a Torah.
That and four thousand years of teaching, hoping, remembering, planting, praying, praising.

That’s all it takes to make a Torah.
That and four thousand years of living with God.

Torah for me is humanity striving for holiness, for godliness. 
Torah for me is the Holy One striving to guide us toward goodness.
Torah for me is a plan for partnership between the Holy One and our holy people. 

What's Torah for you?

Spirituality.....Am I or Am I Not?

Been ruminating about this topic for 2 weeks now; how do I define spirituality and when do I feel it. Did I feel it when I was a child? I attended Hebrew school and Sunday school, was a Bat Mitzah and as a family we attended services for the High Holy days and celebrated Passover and Hanukkah.
I always felt a connection to Passover. Was it because it was a pivotal moment for the Jewish people or just the memories of my beloved Grandpa leading the service?
I walked away from Judaism immediately following my Bat Mitzvah when I had the choice whether or not to participate. Did I feel spiritual then? Was something missing?
Went back to the Temple to be part of the confirmation class. Was that a feeling of spirituality or just the fact that I enjoyed the challenges of learning?
Left conventional Judaism behind until Abby was a toddler. Suddenly it was important to give her knowledge about being a Jew. This was something we had to live, to experience and to have in our lives. Luckily Brad and I have similar feelings about Judaism and God and we found ourselves drawn to the Family Service at the Rec Center. We loved the lightness of the Rabbi and Cantor, and how it appealed to all ages. Most of all we loved that it was a change from the seriousness of the Judaism of our youth. Was that spirituality? Or just enjoying being together as a family?
So here I am on the quest to define spirituality. Do I feel more spiritual now that we are part of a Temple? That's an easy "yes" if for no other reason than it's in my conscience. I am aware of it. Do I feel spiritual when I'm participating in religious experiences? Truthfully, most of the time it's rote and automatic. The times I feel most spiritual are when we are in an outdoor setting. There's something about the awesomeness of nature and the chanting of ancient words that puts me into a spiritual nirvana.
To me spirituality is transcending; tapping into a higher level. It needs to involve my brain along with a variety of senses. I have definitely been more spiritual and more aware of it in the past 3 years. I strive to let go of the clutter of life and focus......and transcend.

God, Me and You, Sitting around a Campfire

Cross posted on Or Am I?

We celebrated Shabbat around a campfire in Old Agoura tonight. 210 of us in a circle, singing, smiling, praising the Holy One.

Is it really Jewish to feel so inspired out in the open? Sitting under the stars? Gathering around a campfire?

Moses was inspired by flames dancing in a bush in the wilderness. Why are we?

A story...

When the most spiritual of rabbis wanted to speak with the Holy One, he would go out to the forest, to a special place known only to him, where he would sing special words to a particular tune, and by doing so, open his conversation with the Holy One.

Over time, his students forgot where exactly in the forest he would go, but they still felt the need to commune with the Holy One. So they would gather somewhere, build a fire, sing those special words to his particular tune, and open their conversation with the Holy One.

Then, their students lost their connection with the words that opened the conversation, but they knew how to build a campfire and how to sing song. So they gathered somewhere, built the fire and sang.

As the generations passed, they forgot to go out into nature. They forgot to build the campfire. They forgot the words. Some even forgot to sing. But still, they yearned. For something inspiring. For a connection to the Eternal.

So at Or Ami, we reignite the spark within, as we sit around a campfire. We sit under the stars, because we recognize that the Holy One is most often felt amidst the wonder of the natural world. And we sing ancient words to new melodies because the music and the experience touches our soul.

The Long Road

I was born a poor Presbyterian.

Ok, that's using a little dramatic license. Although, my grandmother was born in the Kentucky hills and moved west by horse drawn carriage, and my father in a logging camp in central Washington State, by the time I came along my father's hard work ethic and ingenuity made our family far from poor. I was however, born a Presbyterian. I remember attending church and Sunday school regularly at a very young age. That stopped around age 5, not long after we lost my older brother in a car accident when he was a freshmen in college. It seemed that my parents had lost "faith". As a teen I struggled with the dogmatic idea of god as I perceived it from christian based teachings and questioned how one group's beliefs could be the one truth and path to heaven or hell, when there were so many others in our world. I did not believe in GOD.

Sometime when I was about 14, I was in the High Sierra back country on our family's annual spring camping trip. One day while sitting naked and alone on a riverbank, next to a natural hot spring which looked over a large open meadow, I felt the warm sun drench my skin, and that's the moment I discovered God. You see, at that moment I felt the warmth of the sun, I looked at the pure beauty that surrounded me from the grass I sat on, to the trees and the majestic mountains beyond on the horizon. I listened to the wind blow through the surrounding forest, the sound of the stream flowing beside me, and the birds calling at each other from vast distances. It was at that moment that God was released, for me, from the dogma. God was not a being, a spirit, someone pulling the strings, deciding who lives or dies, God was a place, the place I was at that moment, God was surrounding me.

Fast forward 30 years

(more on my journey to Judaism another time)

At high holiday services this past fall (2009), Rabbi Kipnes spoke of a place in one of his sermons. HaMakom the Rabbi explained was "The Place", was God.

http://rabbipaul.blogspot.com/2010/04/unchain-your-faith-one-rabbis-radical.html

This was a revelation to me. Although a few years prior our children had brought Judaism and spirituality back into our lives, I had never revisited that initial connection I had with God on that day 30 years earlier. On this day, in the Calabasas Community Center, "The Place" came back to me. The thoughts this provoked were profound, however short lived, I soon reentered the daily grind of the job, and our family's hectic schedule, leaving little time for spirituality. On February 27th that all changed, when I lost my soul mate and wife of 20 years to a tragic accident in the very same mountains that I had first found God. In the days, weeks and months that have now passed I have been on an amazing spiritual journey that started at "The Place", with HaMakom.

Today I find my heart and mind in a very peaceful, accepting place, where I can feel the loving presence of Erica and the joy that she brought to mine and so many others' lives, because she is now part of "The Place", of God.

Every day I wake with the rising sun and look forward to my continued path of spirituality, learning, sharing and understanding more with every step. I anticipate this to be a life long journey which will continue to bring joy and peace to my life, and hopefully our children's, in our place here on earth.

I find HaMakom within.

I'm Not There Yet

I've been seeking Jewish spirituality for years now, but I don't feel spiritual. Although many of my friends think I'm the most Jewish person they know, I know my inner self and it isn't nearly as spiritual as I'd like. I've actively sought it in classes I've taken and classes I've given. I've gone to weekend Institute for Jewish Spirituality seminars. I've led a couple of Shabbat services. I've read the Torah about 5 times. I can argue effectively about the existence of G-d and about my purpose on this earth. I do, very rarely, look at a crowd of people (as I did in a Costco last week) and try to see the devine and the face of G-d in each of them.

However, I don't keep Shabbat. I don't look forward to the Jewish holidays. I take the name of the lord in vain when I miss a 3 foot putt (and other times). I don't keep kosher. Most days I forget that I'm Jewish. Most days there is no spark and no light in my life.
What do I need to do to get spiritual?
Why is it so hard?

Maybe I'm trying too hard.
I like the idea from Heisenberg, who says that when we look too closely at something, we can't see it because we, ourselves, interfere with seeing it. I also remember a talk that R. Mordechai Finley recently gave where he said that people should stop seeking happiness. He said that serving others and doing good deeds is the only way to real happiness. I'm also reminded of the words of the great New World Jewish scholar Rapki (R. Paul Kipnes). I was taking a "Jewish Spirituality" class with him about 15 years ago. I told him I was having a hard time believing in G-d. He told me not to worry. He said to just try to live and act "as if there was a G-d" and to see what happens.
OK. Good. I'll relax a bit. Let's see what happens.
I'm still waiting.